Stuck in the Rut

Hellooooo

I know I haven't had a new post on here for almost 2 months. I could put down 101 reasons why I haven't posted and I've been thinking about what I was going to say. So here goes. My life sucks!! I figured I can say that because this is my blog albeit for Larry. I'm going to vent and perhaps it will turn out to be therapeutic. What I'm going to say is probably going to expose my vulnerability and display an unattractive side of me.

I'm sick of being a caregiver and ironically I never considered myself as that term. I always thought of myself as a wife and mother and that the bumps in life that occurred were just dealt with to the best of my ability. I feel terribly guilty admitting that I am tired of seeing what my husband has turned into. Yes, I said my life sucks and I know his life sucks even worse. I miss what we had and regret what we will never have. Taking care of Larry has turned into a chore similar to that of caring for a toddler. He has to be fed at every meal, he has to be turned more often than what I do, he has to have his Chuck's pads(flat diapers)changed every day. I have to remind him to swallow his food, not fall asleep while I'm feeding him, what day of the week it is and that I'm his wife and not his girlfriend. I dread getting up in the morning and knowing that it just can't be me to get the day going and getting out. I dread coming home and having to make a meal regardless if I'm hungry or not. When I do get out, and see couples going out to dinner, the movies or even grocery shopping, I feel cheated. I do go to the movies by myself and I do dine by myself (not fine dining of course). I have always been independent, and I don't mind doing some things by myself and maybe it's the independence that has made me angry. We teach our children to grow up and be self-sufficient and therefore as adults we should all be self-sufficient. When someone you love becomes totally dependent on you, it's a very unwanted burden. I'm only 55 and feel like I'm living with my father. I had dreamed of working at my semi-big buck job for several more years and racking up those weeks of vacation. Larry would have been happy being a store greeter at Wal-Mart and joining me on those vacations. Well, the job has been gone for almost 2 years now and I'm trying to maintain part-time jobs with the unemployment rate rising daily. And Larry, well, that Wal-Mart greeter job is only in his hallucinations now.

I could go on more about my sucky life but I won't. Believe me, I am in no way looking for sympathy or pity, and I am quite aware that there are many other people out there with more misfortunes than me. I know that I exposed a somewhat ugly side of me tonight but I am human. I have been dealt this hand right now and as a gambler, I will stay in the game and hope that better cards come up. So until whenever, pass on the Larry love.

Gail